Tuesday, January 13, 2015

peering over the edge...

 Click. Click. Click.

I can feel this roller coaster I have embarked on slowly creak over the edge of the highest peak that's been so long anticipated for.

Click. Click. Click.

The wait is daunting and although I stay confident, that this ride will be well worth it, there are butterflies filling my stomach and I can't foresee the end to this drop.

Click. Click. Click.

When you're on a roller closer you can begin to feel dizzy at the thought of what's to come and begin to frantically cling to anything stable you can hold onto.

Click. Click. Click.

Your palms can begin to sweat and your focus becomes blurred. You feel as if you may throw up and everything inside of you wants to run but you’re strapped in.

Click. Click. Click.

I knew when I began this surrogacy journey that I could handle it. 

Physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually I was fully prepared.

I had done my research and had an army of cheerleaders rooting for me from the start. My husband has held my hand and willingly taken the seat right next to me on this ride.

 The thrill of the unknown has been something that has made me feel more alive then I've ever felt before.  I am privileged to own this 'calling' as part of MY life story but it doesn't make it any less terrifying.

As delivery quickly approaches, any day, I can not put into words the feelings I feel. I can only describe the feeling of a roller coaster as it tips you over the edge into an unknown tunnel. Gravity takes over. Your breath is taken from you. You want to laugh, cry and scream all at once. There is fear mixed with euphoric happiness as you topple over that first drop.

 This placenta lake still holds a lot of concerns as we attempt to vaginally deliver baby Small at full term. The pressure placed on an already 'weak' placenta adds a list of heightened risks to this delivery. (Baby distress, placenta abruption, emergency c-section, hysterectomy, blood transfusions)

I wish my fears were the normal fears of labor pains and labor recovery but my fears fall into a deeper, intimate place of the panicked need to return home to MY family. I have two little humans that need their mommy still... BUT I have a race to finish... And I plan to finish strong

 I try remind myself to not to sit in the 'what if's'.

If you ride a roller coaster and focus on all the mechanics that could potential break you would miss the ride or never get on it in the first place.

Click. Click. Click.

This beautiful roller coaster I am currently on is almost over. It's the last roller coaster I will ride like this and with it will bring a beautiful human being into this world that the world desperately needed.

A ridiculously talented photographer (and now dear friend of mine), Veronica Gillas, captured pictures that helped me refocus into my initial dream that had made me originally want to become a surrogate.


This is beautiful.
This is my life.

This is me fulfilling my purpose in this world.
This is me stepping into a dark place for friends and showing them God's beautiful plan for them.

This is trust.
This is being vulnerable.
It's scary.

It's real.
It's faith.

It's breath taking.


Looking at these pictures I remember the truths that brought me to this season of life. I hold those truths close to my heart.

Click. Click. Click.

As gravity takes over as you go over that edge, the rest of the ride and the clinking of that metal become completely silent...



I will stop thinking and FEEL the air in my face.
 I will BREATHE in the stand-still moments my heart will cling onto to remember. 
I will put my arms up and scream bloody murder and laugh until I cry.... 
Because this is what living is all about.

This majestic ride.

Just enjoy it because anything else is doing a disservice to what God knew you were fully capable of.

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